And then there's this...

     Long time, no blog...But what else am I going to do at 4:21 am when I can't sleep and dare not wake anyone up?  I will make it short and force myself back to sleep after I get this off my chest.
     I woke up not even an hour after baby's last feeding. A sharp pain in my left brain. Things are weighing heavy on me, little things and big things. Life things.
     I'm a deep thinker, not a quick thinker...and this makes me too slow about getting around to doing things. So they pile up, waiting in my imaginary line for attention. Those are just the things that can be put off, not pressing matters like changing diapers, paying bills, feeding people, making sure we have clean clothes, gas in the vehicle, etc. I just run in a perpetual circle with those daily grind items.
 
     No, it is the bigger picture that is starting to close in on me, almost like my measure of gravity is increasing. Subtle, but present, and palpable only to me. Needy children, more than one at a time. Aging parents, more than one. Health crises...my mom beats breast cancer in the Spring only to have colon cancer show up in the Fall. Two vehicles down at the same time, mechanical bills to the tune of thousands of dollars.  Self-imposed homeschool pressure to be further along in the textbooks. And that constant nag of "look at this messy house"...no routine, lack of organization. It was this last one that put me over the edge as I walked tentatively into the living room, partly to be careful of what I might step on, and partly to not stimulate that terrible head pain again. I felt like an overfull water balloon as I looked at the arm of my light green sofa...you know, the one with blue marker scrawlings "345 25 J L H" This is Joely's kindergarten handiwork. And it's sharpie.  The tears burst forth.
     As I ponder my "list" of afflictions, I am reminded of the book of Job.  His sufferings were far worse, and his character more noble. Even my mom is taking her impending surgery and unsure future in stride...like lets get this over with so I can get on with my life. She's 78!
     George recently read Romans chapter 12 to me...this is all I can remember...Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.   Well, I guess that is my goal for the time being.

Back to School...Homeschool, that is!

     This is what I have learned from dunking my kids into public school last year.

   There are some teachers and administrators who have a general disdain for homeschoolers, and some who really like them...with almost no middle ground there.  I hope my children represented a good homeschool education by using their manners, being respectful to authority figures and showing kindness to their fellow students. Oh, and doing good schoolwork and getting good grades, blah blah blah.

   Since my kiddos dropped into "the system" after being primarily homeschooled for the previous six years, I had my concerns about their academic success.  After all,  we did not grade every paper, take very many tests, or use a published curriculum for every single subject.  After the first report card, however, my fears were quelled.  9th grader with A's, B's and one C...all you need to know here is that he thoroughly enjoys school...not necessarily school subjects...he just likes to go to school, he did not miss a single day, and I did not have to get him up for the bus one single time. Very responsible kid. He wanted to continue going to public high school (NTI) so we let him.  One comment we got that rubbed me the wrong way was..."thank goodness he's in school".  This was said after he showed off his report card at a family gathering, as if it were the school that whipped him into shape after nine weeks and the previous years of homeschooling, co-ops, daily devotions, library time, activities and etc. had nothing to do with that success. 

5th grader with A's and B's..Carson being a bit shy, had the benefit of having "the nicest teacher at the school". The principal made sure to tell me all about her school being a STEM school (science, technology, engineering, math focused).  I feigned being super-impressed whilst I really don't care.  What good is it for a man to gain the WHOLE WORLD, yet forfeit his soul.  I was just glad he was academically successful, and never had homework.

 My 1st grader had no major issues (N's or check minuses or whatever)  but her teacher was quite zealous about her "trouble spots".  She had a list of sight words that she should "already know" from Kindergarten.  It is no secret around here that Carson and Harmonie both struggled to learn to read.  In fact, after countless phonics workbooks and flash cards and videos being shoved down Carson's throat, I just totally backed off all together...and lo and behold he learned to read fluently as he approached age 8.  With this experience under my belt, I realized Harmonie had the same learning style (some might say difficulty) when she really struggled with letter identification and sounds early on. Sight words...out of the question.  So, I had a meeting with her teacher, shared my thoughts and was sent home with a copy of the list of words, and some activities we could do at home.  I did not tell her I got my teaching degree about the time she was graduating from middle school.  Harmonie had quite a bit of homework, and my thoughts are...if you can't get it done in six hours...call it a day. We have things to do at home, like playing outside until it's dark, eating supper, taking a bath, and reading a story.  The second half of her first grade year, she really gained momentum and her reading and writing improved dramatically AS SHE APPROACHED AGE 8.

So, my insights on this matter have formed a strong opinion that public schools push academics TOO hard on Kindergarteners and first graders...maybe even some second graders.  When I went to college and learned about how kids learn...the professors always stressed that kids had their own developmental time-line and the spectrum could be pretty wide.  I am keenly aware of this since my eldest could read just about any book you handed him at age 4 and the next 2 kids thought the letters F and S made the "eh" sound...eh eh ehf, eh, eh, ehs.  Its all good, don't panic, it will kick in if there are other things being taught at home.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Always the last to know...

     Many things in my little world just go right over my head.  As George and I pulled up to a red light a while back, I broke the (rare) silence in the vehicle by saying..."God, I never thought I would have FIVE kids." Now, I was not meaning to be blasphemous at all.  I was kind of talking to God, and George, and myself all at the same time.  It was like I didn't realize how it happened, or when it all happened, or mainly why I should have this life scenario.

     I contemplated my situation for a long time.  It's not like my plan all along was to get married and have 5 kids, Lord knows it wasn't simple like that, but that is where I am now ... having been on the convoluted path.  Why did I go to college if I am a stay at home mom?  I bear the title "homemaker" yet I am not a good cook, nor is the house ever spotless or even anywhere near that.  Why do I like to shop and buy people stuff if I do not have an income?  These things do not seem to jive.

     I think God gave me a little revelation because He pitied my confusion...
I remembered a time as a little girl when I pretended my dolls came to life and went outside after I went to bed, so naturally, I had to make sure they were warmly dressed before I turned in for the night.  Also,
I remember waiting for the bus on a snowy morning and another bus-riders mom let us wait inside her house so we would not freeze. I so desperately wanted to stay with her in her house which smelled like vanilla and coffee and watch Good Morning America.  In other childhood memories, when we played "school" I always had to be the teacher, AND make the snacks.  I wanted to be creative and make things and sell them or give them as gifts.  (Painted rocks were not profitable, BTW) I also wanted to write stories and poems and letters to people...even people in prison which my mom didn't allow. In later years when I started to earn money for, of all things, babysitting...I saved my money (the earned kind and that which I got as a gift) diligently and used my own version of "the envelope system" to budget my spending. My buying habits were very conservative, but I always had nice things, and everything I needed for sure.
    All this life experience  couldn't have prepped me to be anything other than  a care-giving, home-staying, homeschooling, cookie-baking, blog-writing, coupon-clipping MOM.
Duh!

Homeschool IS different...

     It is exhausting defending the right and preference for homeschooling sometimes.  In one of my many opportunities to "explain" it, I think I finally hit on the right combination of words.  To sum it up in one word, I would choose the word "different".  Home school is different than public school.  Home school is different than private school.  Home school is different than parochial school. 
     Now, to only speak for myself from this point on, I would say...we are not trying to recreate any school method at home.  We don't have to, we don't want to, we don't need to.  Those methods are in place because one teacher has a room full of same-age kids, doing the same thing at the same time.  I took "methods" classes in college, that is where you learn classroom management, discipline and behavior modification techniques, mostly. Teaching certain material to certain kids with different learning styles is talked about, but reality dictates that you would have to figure that out as you go, based on real kids and real curriculum.  Any logical person can surmise that one teacher is not going to be able to teach the same material in the same way to  all kids and have a 100% success rate.  They have to vary their methods, or develop a method that will  efficiently encompass MOST students.  Herein lies the frustration for classroom teachers...they are expected to reach all students sufficiently in each subject area during the allotted class time...with no child left behind.  In order not to leave anyone behind, they may teach geared toward the slowest learner, thus slowing down the whole class.  There are procedures followed in a public school because of school rules, government statutes, and requirements that fluctuate depending on who is the principal, superintendent, governor, etc.   God Bless those teachers...it is challenging, I'm sure.
          That addresses merely Academic issues.  Then there is everything else.  How do you want your kids to dress: modestly. How do you want them to act: with character and integrity.  How do you want them to speak:  respectfully.  How do you want them to treat other people:  with kindness.  A public school is definitely a showcase for the gamut of ill-behavior...fighting, cursing, promiscuity, immodest dress.  I can honestly report great statistics for attendance and good behavior in our home school.  Before I go on a tangent here, I don't want to get into comparing. 
     Naturally there is going to be overlap among school methods and home school methods.  We do have curriculum, we do have goals, there are assignments and field trips.  Our pace, however, is not dictated by an outside entity, it is dictated by individual need.  I sometimes get caught up in the comparison game..."so and so" is in Kindergarten and she can read...your daughter is in first grade and she can't.  AAAAARRRRGGGHHH! That pierces my pride, because I know if I had sent my daughter to school, under the same circumstances day in and day out as "so and so", she would be able to read by now, too.
 So what. 
I have enjoyed her company at home, and her creativity has been stretched and utilized and provided many learning opportunities in the realm of problem solving.  Her many scenario's often include constructing a store, making paper money, labeling her toys for sale, writing invitations to the grand opening (spelled phonetically, not correctly, but that's OK), or she is the librarian and gathers a collection of books.  She likes to play outdoors with her siblings, imagination in full steam there, as well.  Freedom is priceless.
   To reword my point here...no one else need worry that my kids are "behind" their public/private/parochial school peers...we are not on that track.  We are not in that race.  We are doing something different here, it is organic in nature, it is unfolding on its own...you cannot predict it, judge it, evaluate it.  We have goals here, they are both spiritual and practical, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but I deserve the right to home school, just as much as others deserve the right to choose public or other schools for their kids.  This is America, people have fought and died for freedoms such as these...Indiana is a very "home school-friendly" state, and that is not lost on me.   I am grateful for this opportunity to educate my own children as I see fit, and I intend to revel in this particular freedom.

Mean Mommy...

So I have realized that I am mean.  A mean mom, that is.  Under the pressure to discipline my generally well-behaved children, I have been the mean one for years.  Lord knows my husband isn't the heavy.  Unfortunately, I feel like I have no control over the "reprimand gene".  It just comes out.  I have read all about how positive reinforcement works better than punishment, and that makes sense to me, but I can't seem to do it.  How was I raised?  I don't remember.  Wait, yes I do.  I was  probably the least disciplined, however I do remember getting paddled or spanked.  Not too many times, but memorable nonetheless. I can only imagine that my own mother would have been "meaner" to me if she had to be around me as much as I am around my kids...which is 24/7.  What is the answer to my meanness, should I get a job or send the kids to school?  Getting a job would mean the kids go to school by default, and sending them to school and me staying home sounds like heaven...right now.  Unfortunately, I would have to throw my convictions out the window if I did either. I don't wish for my children to be raised or educated by anyone else when I am available to do so. Perhaps there is a middle ground, something I can do to bring serenity into my environment, to add peace to the landscape...Prayer, meditation, DUCT TAPE!(for my own mouth, of course;)

These are the things that raise the eyebrows...

Well, we can add one more thing to the list now...tell you what that is in a minute.
First thing: We homeschool. 
     Before I started homeschooling my own kids, I never had a negative view of people who chose to do that.  My dad taught public school, my siblings and I attended public school, and we never even knew anyone who homeschooled.  I went to college to become a teacher and even then I did not hear much about homeschooling as an option.  I only heard mention of homeschoolers winning spelling bees and getting into college early, and impressive little tidbits like that.
     Well, it turns out, there are a whole bunch of people who think homeschooling ruins kids.  People who think the children will sorely lack "socialization", and oddly enough, my own family members have bought into this notion.  (The family members without kids...so funny.)  So, when we attend family gatherings, my children are scrutinized mercilessly about how they are academically behind, they get quizzed on their multiplication facts, things are pointed out to me like "She wouldn't even sit still long enough for me to read her a story" or "He can't even tie his shoe"...OK, she doesn't like stories when the words are sounded out at her and there is a quiz every third page...she's in Kindergarten!  The shoe thing is bothering me, but not that much...  My question is...would you do this if they were in regular school? Probably not!
Second thing:  I am a stay at home mom.
     I guess this wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't bother to go to college and get a BS in Elementary Education...and I put in some extra time and expense to go for an endorsement in Language Arts so I could teach middle school/jr. high students.  Hmmm....sounds like I invested in my children's education before I even had children.  They have their own private tutor, but I don't make any money so that makes me silly on some level.???
Third Thing:  We have 4 kids.
     My normally supportive family, my parents are still living and I have 3 older brothers, they seem to convey exasperation and incredulousness (is that a word) at the idea of having many children.  2 of my brothers do not have children and the other one has one son.  I have never and would never in my adult life say anything to the effect of....."Why don't you have more/any kids?  Who is going to take care of you when you are old?" 
Fourth Thing:  We are Christians and we tithe. 
     No, we don't have much money to devote to retirement, and yes we do intend to give the full ten percent to our church.  No college fund, no lavish vacations, no cable tv( not that I would pay for that rubbish even if we had the budget for it), and we don't even miss "the good life".  We have wireless internet!!! Yay...we are not neanderthals! Ha Ha.  We did have dial-up for years, though.  Nobody could beat 14.95 per month!
Latest Thing:  Baby #5
     I actually cried this morning as I realized how much I dread telling my family(of origin) the "good news".  Thankfully, we have good friends that are genuinely happy for us, and a church body that celebrates babies no matter how many you already have.  I am not going to apologize for it, though, because just the other day I almost cried (hormones of course) when my 14 year old thanked the cashier @ the Dollar Store for her patience while he was counting out the exact change.  A polite teenager...and he's mine.  Score.