Who can I blame?

Who can I blame? My house is always an upside-down, inside-out hot mess. Considering I am a "homemaker", a "stay at home mom", a "housewife" (snicker...does anyone say that anymore?)...you would think there would be some degree of organization around here.

Nope. Not a lot.

I try to focus on the positive, like, " thank the Lord we don't have pets in the house, too."
or this good point, "I guess it could be worse."

 It gives me some kind of strange comfort when I read books and articles about organization. First of all, they are so logical. That stuff makes sense, so I am motivated to try, try again.  Some of the books I have read even go so far as to say that people are either born organized or they are not...I think I was not, but surely I could learn. Right? So I get the bins, the tubs, the labels, etc.

My firstborn just recently left the nest. Although that was bittersweet, I have noticed two things that give me hope. 1. My oldest daughter has picked up the slack on the chore list. 2. The water bill is about half what it was when he lived here. (he showered and changed clothes multiple times a day)(This also translates into less laundry for me.) Yay.

I have spent the last 20 years actively engaged in one OR MORE of these 4 things: pregnant, nursing a baby, diapering, or potty training...no breaks.  When Millie is out of diapers, then perhaps I will be able to get somewhere. (I keep telling myself.)

Until then, I think I will blame it on the kids.

And then there's this...

     Long time, no blog...But what else am I going to do at 4:21 am when I can't sleep and dare not wake anyone up?  I will make it short and force myself back to sleep after I get this off my chest.
     I woke up not even an hour after baby's last feeding. A sharp pain in my left brain. Things are weighing heavy on me, little things and big things. Life things.
     I'm a deep thinker, not a quick thinker...and this makes me too slow about getting around to doing things. So they pile up, waiting in my imaginary line for attention. Those are just the things that can be put off, not pressing matters like changing diapers, paying bills, feeding people, making sure we have clean clothes, gas in the vehicle, etc. I just run in a perpetual circle with those daily grind items.
 
     No, it is the bigger picture that is starting to close in on me, almost like my measure of gravity is increasing. Subtle, but present, and palpable only to me. Needy children, more than one at a time. Aging parents, more than one. Health crises...my mom beats breast cancer in the Spring only to have colon cancer show up in the Fall. Two vehicles down at the same time, mechanical bills to the tune of thousands of dollars.  Self-imposed homeschool pressure to be further along in the textbooks. And that constant nag of "look at this messy house"...no routine, lack of organization. It was this last one that put me over the edge as I walked tentatively into the living room, partly to be careful of what I might step on, and partly to not stimulate that terrible head pain again. I felt like an overfull water balloon as I looked at the arm of my light green sofa...you know, the one with blue marker scrawlings "345 25 J L H" This is Joely's kindergarten handiwork. And it's sharpie.  The tears burst forth.
     As I ponder my "list" of afflictions, I am reminded of the book of Job.  His sufferings were far worse, and his character more noble. Even my mom is taking her impending surgery and unsure future in stride...like lets get this over with so I can get on with my life. She's 78!
     George recently read Romans chapter 12 to me...this is all I can remember...Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.   Well, I guess that is my goal for the time being.

Cleaning Fairy, Where are you???

     So, I found that book again.  The one that I keep misplacing and then finding again.  It is called "Organizing Your Home & Family" by Sandra Felton.  I agree that this is mildly ironic and a bit amusing...if you are somebody else.  If you are me...the one who is sitting at the dining room table and sees a sea of clutter between me and the front door...this is not amusing.  It is actually depressing, frustrating, and enough to make a person completely overwhelmed to the point where they just decide there is no point to even dream of a clean house.
     Here is the SHAME ON ME section of this entry:  I have blamed the mess on the kids, the ones whom I have not properly trained to clean up after themselves.  I have blamed it on not having enough time, that is even funny to me as I sit here and type this.  I have blamed my lack of organization and the inability to form a cleaning routine on my own upbringing...I am college educated for crying out loud, I bet I could write a book on methods of cleaning. ( I do have that published article on WWW.MOPS.ORG search Kimberly McCool if it is still there)Surely I'm smart enough to figure out how to do it.  I have also blamed my messy house on my lack of energy...there actually is much truth to that. 
     I have analyzed this situation of mine much too much. (thus wasting more time, and inadvertently dwelling on the negative)  If it is possible to develop Attention Deficit Disorder as an adult...I have...and I owe my husband a great deal of apologies for poking fun of his disorder, always asking him if he has taken his medicine when his constant motion and inability to stay in the room while talking gets on my nerves.  At least his ADD comes in handy for him at work.  He works on commission, so the more work he completes, the more he gets paid.  What an eye opener when he does 100+ hours worth of paint jobs in a 40 hour work week.  He does not waste time. He has several cars in the process of "prep, paint, polish" all day long, all week long.  At the end of the day, when he says he is tired, I believe him!
     On the other hand, at the end of my day...the house is a wreck, dinner may or may not be started, the kids are usually in the midst of playing, napping, or making a mess...and I'm standing around saying "I'm tired".  WTH  So I think, what have I accomplished today, hmmm...at least one load of laundry, its clean and folded, but not put away, I'll do that after I reorganize the winter/summer bins which are lining the upstairs hall... preventing me from vacuuming, the toys about prevent me from vacuuming the downstairs, the stuff all over everywhere prevents me from dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc.  Ah, there's the culprit...STUFF, ha! As much as I would like to blame it on that, it is still me...I bought the stuff!  We just recently had a yard sale to get rid of some stuff, and after that my house still looked like, as I told my MIL..."a yard sale vomited inside my house".
     This was really just an opportunity to vent, and I know that things will change when I don't have children to nurse or potty train or educate, and in the meantime I have a wonderful friend who comes to help me non-judgmentally...thanks Deanna...and a host of wonderful friends who understand...you know who you are...and anyone who is disappointed, or doesn't like a messy house...Thank you in advance for NOT coming over.

PS. Even if you don't care about a messy house, if I don't know you're coming over, don't be surprised if nobody answers the door. ;-)

Now I remember...

Now I remember why I said I couldn't do this whole pregnancy thing again.  Uggghhh...vomiting, lethargy, the house is getting behind...and by my standards this means almost horrific conditions.  Where is that cleaning fairy, do I have to put a broken feather duster under my pillow?