And then there's this...

     Long time, no blog...But what else am I going to do at 4:21 am when I can't sleep and dare not wake anyone up?  I will make it short and force myself back to sleep after I get this off my chest.
     I woke up not even an hour after baby's last feeding. A sharp pain in my left brain. Things are weighing heavy on me, little things and big things. Life things.
     I'm a deep thinker, not a quick thinker...and this makes me too slow about getting around to doing things. So they pile up, waiting in my imaginary line for attention. Those are just the things that can be put off, not pressing matters like changing diapers, paying bills, feeding people, making sure we have clean clothes, gas in the vehicle, etc. I just run in a perpetual circle with those daily grind items.
 
     No, it is the bigger picture that is starting to close in on me, almost like my measure of gravity is increasing. Subtle, but present, and palpable only to me. Needy children, more than one at a time. Aging parents, more than one. Health crises...my mom beats breast cancer in the Spring only to have colon cancer show up in the Fall. Two vehicles down at the same time, mechanical bills to the tune of thousands of dollars.  Self-imposed homeschool pressure to be further along in the textbooks. And that constant nag of "look at this messy house"...no routine, lack of organization. It was this last one that put me over the edge as I walked tentatively into the living room, partly to be careful of what I might step on, and partly to not stimulate that terrible head pain again. I felt like an overfull water balloon as I looked at the arm of my light green sofa...you know, the one with blue marker scrawlings "345 25 J L H" This is Joely's kindergarten handiwork. And it's sharpie.  The tears burst forth.
     As I ponder my "list" of afflictions, I am reminded of the book of Job.  His sufferings were far worse, and his character more noble. Even my mom is taking her impending surgery and unsure future in stride...like lets get this over with so I can get on with my life. She's 78!
     George recently read Romans chapter 12 to me...this is all I can remember...Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.   Well, I guess that is my goal for the time being.

Dry Bones

  "I want to see dry bones living again." This is a line from a song we sang at church recently.  I think the song was called THE GREAT I AM.   I may have heard this song before, but I'm not sure I have ever sung it...so it required me to really read the words.  At first, I kept thinking...this is kind of a strange song...but as it was a long song...it finally spoke to me.  Ugh, I realized, for one thing, I am living a dry bones existence...again.
     In previous times, I have led a more spirit-filled life.  I seem to waffle back and forth between struggling in my self-reliance ... or really seeking God's sovereignty and relying on His direction.
     The other revelation I came away with was what God meant by calling himself the "I Am".  Exodus 3:14 "God said to Moses I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites; I AM has sent me to you."  He had to tell them that so they would trust that it was the Creator's plan that he lead them.
 I think about this earth, the heavens, the stars, the universe...the blade of grass...It's like God is saying I AM that blade of grass, I AM the earth, I AM the sky, I AM the air you breathe, I AM  the fragrance of Spring that you smell, I AM all that you see, hear, smell, taste and touch because I AM the one who created it.  And He created me...with a free will to allow Him to shape my life through the pursuit of holiness...or I can try to do it in my own power...or I can reject it altogether. 
     I thank my parents for raising me in the faith, and that is why I did not reject Jesus, and why I am most thoroughly convinced there is a God.  For it was in my darkest moments of pain and heartache that I cried out to the one true God, the only one I knew, and the only one who then answered me not only by communicating with me on a spiritual level, but manifesting in the physical realm with heat and a sensation I can only describe as pure energy.  It was at that moment that I believe God filled me with the Holy Spirit which unlocked my mind to really comprehend and understand the gospel ...and it made perfect...PERFECT...sense to me. A moment of clarity with the life-changing effects of peace in my soul.
      I had to come to some conclusions on my own before the environment of my heart, soul and mind could handle the absolute truth ...the key was acknowledging my choices, thoughts and actions as sinful... and truly repenting. Like I said, I was raised to know right from wrong, I was basically a good person, but  I just did whatever I wanted anyway.   I came away from my "God experience" filled with gratitude for his mercy, gratitude for providing the sacrifice (Jesus) that would be my payment on judgement day, and for the helper (the Holy Spirit) that would keep me on the path to righteousness.  This path includes blessings, protection, provision, but most notably peace in all circumstances.
     It was shortly after this conversion of mine...from Christianity to Christianity...that I was living for God and His purposes.  It IS an abundant life, the joy that comes from simple things is amazing, but it is the peace that just makes life and all its afflictions bearable.  John 15 reminds us to "remain in me as I remain in you"...unfortunately, this is where I falter...I allow life to overwhelm me, tire me out to the point where I don't even make time to connect to my lifeline.  When that goes away, so goes the peace and joy, love, patience, etc.  Then it's like I forget how to get back to that, or even worse, I begin to think I don't need or deserve it. 
     In my reading this morning, I stumbled upon this verse in 1 Thessalonians 4:7 "For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life."  I was definitely called...so I'd better start living this holy life!  Now, I know I can't live the holy life in my own power, I will just end up pursuing my own selfish desires...and that is quite a mundane existence if not wrought with struggle.  I have been given the Holy Spirit...I will never forget that...so why not utilize my gift.  It is apparent that I NEED it in order to not only discern what holiness is, but to achieve it on any level.
     Perhaps you think I'm wacko by now, perhaps you know just what I mean, either way...the God of the universe can communicate with you on a personal level that is relevant to your life and purpose...if you have never experienced that, ask Him.

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

These are the things that raise the eyebrows...

Well, we can add one more thing to the list now...tell you what that is in a minute.
First thing: We homeschool. 
     Before I started homeschooling my own kids, I never had a negative view of people who chose to do that.  My dad taught public school, my siblings and I attended public school, and we never even knew anyone who homeschooled.  I went to college to become a teacher and even then I did not hear much about homeschooling as an option.  I only heard mention of homeschoolers winning spelling bees and getting into college early, and impressive little tidbits like that.
     Well, it turns out, there are a whole bunch of people who think homeschooling ruins kids.  People who think the children will sorely lack "socialization", and oddly enough, my own family members have bought into this notion.  (The family members without kids...so funny.)  So, when we attend family gatherings, my children are scrutinized mercilessly about how they are academically behind, they get quizzed on their multiplication facts, things are pointed out to me like "She wouldn't even sit still long enough for me to read her a story" or "He can't even tie his shoe"...OK, she doesn't like stories when the words are sounded out at her and there is a quiz every third page...she's in Kindergarten!  The shoe thing is bothering me, but not that much...  My question is...would you do this if they were in regular school? Probably not!
Second thing:  I am a stay at home mom.
     I guess this wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't bother to go to college and get a BS in Elementary Education...and I put in some extra time and expense to go for an endorsement in Language Arts so I could teach middle school/jr. high students.  Hmmm....sounds like I invested in my children's education before I even had children.  They have their own private tutor, but I don't make any money so that makes me silly on some level.???
Third Thing:  We have 4 kids.
     My normally supportive family, my parents are still living and I have 3 older brothers, they seem to convey exasperation and incredulousness (is that a word) at the idea of having many children.  2 of my brothers do not have children and the other one has one son.  I have never and would never in my adult life say anything to the effect of....."Why don't you have more/any kids?  Who is going to take care of you when you are old?" 
Fourth Thing:  We are Christians and we tithe. 
     No, we don't have much money to devote to retirement, and yes we do intend to give the full ten percent to our church.  No college fund, no lavish vacations, no cable tv( not that I would pay for that rubbish even if we had the budget for it), and we don't even miss "the good life".  We have wireless internet!!! Yay...we are not neanderthals! Ha Ha.  We did have dial-up for years, though.  Nobody could beat 14.95 per month!
Latest Thing:  Baby #5
     I actually cried this morning as I realized how much I dread telling my family(of origin) the "good news".  Thankfully, we have good friends that are genuinely happy for us, and a church body that celebrates babies no matter how many you already have.  I am not going to apologize for it, though, because just the other day I almost cried (hormones of course) when my 14 year old thanked the cashier @ the Dollar Store for her patience while he was counting out the exact change.  A polite teenager...and he's mine.  Score.